ADOPTION and FOSTER CARE
More About Jesus
“When can I go to Heaven?” asked Andrea. “I want to go so bad!” A recent Sunday School lesson had inspired her longing, and all week she had been asking about
Heaven.

Thoughts on Adoption
Adoption is a calling. It is not to rescue, it is not to grow our family, it is not to be noble, and it is not for the adventure. It may start with those desires, but we must let go of our agenda and yield to God’s. This foundation of submission is paramount for every adoption. This is not about me. The calling may be a quiet nudge or a returning thought. When you know God has led you there, the road is easier to walk graciously. After we have been called to adopt, every step we take must be, “Not my will, but Yours, dear God”. Many times a day we prayed, “God, help us find our family”. We were deep into international adoptions twice and both times were led somewhere else. As we made the steps toward each of our children, there was the absolute confidence that come what may we had made the right decision for that day. It is so important that our adoptions sprout from a place of rest and not of striving. Remember friends, Jesus is redemptive. If we stepped into adoption with selfish motives He is able to redeem.
Listen to a child explain developmental trauma from their perspective.
Karyn Purvis gives some excellent thoughts on how the church can help with healing.
The Insights and Gifts Series by Dr Karyn Purvis
This is a series of mini videos featuring the gifts we need to give and the insights we need to parent children from hard places.
Website
www.onebighappyhome.com
Ryan and Kayla North spent 10 years as foster parents and learned many of the things they share with families, churches, and schools living what they have learned.
They are co-founders of One Big Happy Home and are considered experts on childhood trauma. Together they have developed training materials and programs for churches, schools, and parents educating them on trauma and its impacts.
ADOPTION and FOSTER CARE
Following are two articles on two very different aspects of fostering and adopting. And yet, perhaps not so different. God’s love shines through so clearly in both of these families. God bless all who have done their part in reaching out to the fatherless!
More About Jesus
“When can I go to Heaven?” asked Andrea. “I want to go so bad!”Â
A recent Sunday School lesson had inspired her longing, and all week she had been asking about Heaven.Â
Andrea and her little sisters, Chloe and Nicky, came to our home as foster children. They didn’t know about Jesus. At first, they were scared to go to bed at night. They would sneak out of bed and lie on the living room floor. When we asked about it, Andrea said, “We are hiding from the pweese.”Â
My husband John and I taught them how to pray. Our biological children, Ellie and Evan, were amazed that these girls had never heard of Jesus or praying. Together they knelt for bedtime prayers. It was naptime one day and all the children were tucked in except Ellie, who was in school. I stepped out on the porch to enjoy some quiet time.
Andrea appeared at the porch door and called to me. “I need you to say the wud,” she said shyly.
“Word? What word? I don’t know what you mean. You are supposed to be sleeping,” I said, a touch irritably. The girls had only been with us for a few weeks, and sometimes I felt helpless to understand them. They were so beautiful, and yet so broken.
Andrea looked at me reproachfully. “I know, but at night you say the wud with me and it helps me go to sleep. Why can’t you say it now?”
I was puzzled. Then it dawned on me. “Do you mean the word Jesus? You want me to come and pray with you?”
“Yes,” Andrea said with obvious relief.
A few days later, we were sitting at the lunch table. John had just finished praying for the noon meal.
“Who is this Jesus?” Andrea demanded. “You always talk to Him, but I never get to see Him. Is He on the other side of the wall? Or is He in jail right now?”
John tried to explain that Jesus is always with us.
Soon after this, Andrea started going to Sunday school. She soaked everything up like a sponge. She
wasn’t just there for the coloring or to be with friends; she was there to learn more about Jesus. She had
always been full of questions, but now most of her questions were about what she had learned in
Sunday school. At home she sang Sunday school songs over and over. It was a special time in her life.
Several months passed. One day the social worker called.
“I am sorry to give you such short notice,” she said, “but I will be there in two hours to pick up the Erwin girls.”
My heart sank and then it sank some more. I called John and he quickly came home from work, stopping by school to pick up Ellie, so she could tell her little sisters goodbye.
We didn’t know how to break the news to the girls, especially Andrea. Chloe was only three, and Nicky was one, so there wasn’t much point in trying to explain it to them.
After I told her, Andrea pleaded with me. “Please hide me! Don’t let them take me away.”
I gently explained, “If I hide you, I will have to go to jail for being disobedient.”
Andrea’s shoulders sagged with despair. She went to the bedroom and started to pack her few belongings. Soon she came back into the kitchen. Carefully she placed her Sunday shoes, her beloved Sunday school book, and little New Testament on the counter. “I won’t never need these no more,” she said solemnly. “I won’t never go to church no more.”
We gathered all the children in the living room.
“Girls,” John began. “Your daddy says you need to move closer to where he lives. He says he can’t afford to drive an hour for visits and the judge agreed with him.”
Of course, Andrea wondered where they were going next, but no one could answer that. Again, Andrea pleaded with us. Finally, she went and stood in front of our big, stone fireplace. Her little heart was in such turmoil. She raised her arms heavenward and in anguish cried out, “Jesus! Jesus! Come take me to Heaven right now!”
Torn by the sight, John scooped her up in his strong arms and held her tight, and we cried with her. We all knelt and prayed, begging Jesus to comfort us.
We told Andrea to take her little New Testament and Sunday school book with her.
“Remember about the angels, Andrea?” we said. “They will go with you wherever you go. We don’t know what your next home will be like, but maybe those people will take you to church too. Jesus will be able to see you and us at the same time. Always say your prayers every night, no matter where you are, and Jesus will hear you.”
Finally, Andrea became quiet. She was limp and exhausted, like she couldn’t fight any longer.
The social workers arrived and apologized over and over to us. “The girls have been doing so good here. It feels so wrong to take them away. We are just following the judge’s orders.”
The social workers were hoping we would help buckle the girls in their car seats, but John simply said,
“No.”
He saw Andrea’s bike on the porch. He looked at the worker’s car again and noticed how small it was.
“Andrea got that last week as a birthday gift. You will take it with you, even if you have to strap it on the car roof,” he said firmly. “She shouldn’t have to give up everything.” The social workers meekly complied.  Â
We stood in the yard and waved until the little car was out of sight. Feeling deflated, we went inside the house. We held our children close, thankful we didn’t have to give them up too. Ellie and Evan were devastated at the sudden turn of events and many tears were shed that evening.
Every Sunday after that, the Sunday school superintendent would list off the children’s classes in order, just as he always had. Little ones would march to Sunday school with big smiles on their faces. And every time tears gathered in my eyes. Why couldn’t Andrea be there? And where was she now?
Andrea’s little black shoes sat on the closet shelf in Ellie’s room. When I hung up Ellie’s dresses, I couldn’t help but notice them. One day I wiped the dust off the shoes and took them to Goodwill. Maybe somebody would buy them for a little girl. Hopefully that little girl would be able to wear them to Sunday school and learn more about Jesus.
And surely, somewhere, Andrea would always remember the things she learned with us: how to sing songs about Jesus, how to go to sleep under His care, and how to say the word.
-Name Withheld on Request-
Thoughts on Adoption
Our foundation:
Adoption is a calling. It is not to rescue, it is not to grow our family, it is not to be noble, and it is not for the adventure. It may start with those desires, but we must let go of our agenda and yield to God’s. This foundation of submission is paramount for every adoption. This is not about me. The calling may be a quiet nudge or a returning thought. When you know God has led you there, the road is easier to walk graciously. After we have been called to adopt, every step we take must be, “Not my will, but Yours, dear God”. Many times a day we prayed, “God, help us find our family”. We were deep into international adoptions twice and both times were led somewhere else. As we made the steps toward each of our children, there was the absolute confidence that come what may we had made the right decision for that day. It is so important that our adoptions sprout from a place of rest and not of striving. Remember friends, Jesus is redemptive. If we stepped into adoption with selfish motives He is able to redeem.
Our identity must be rooted and grounded in Jesus Christ. If our identity is in Christ, we do our best, but our children don’t have to be well-behaved, get good grades, or “turn out” in order for me to be worthy. My worthiness is Christ. We are simply called to the labor of love. Love is also letting go. It is okay. I am His and He is mine.
Because adoption is a calling, support from family and friends is vital. Similar to going to the mission, we must have people who come in behind us with enthusiasm, support, and hearts ready to love. Surely it should be a rare case that Christian family and friends would not support foster care or adoption, but if they don’t we must proceed thoughtfully. They may be fearful or have selfish motives or maybe they sense impure motives in us.
We are deeply grateful for the amazing support we’ve received from family and friends. For two of our children we had two hours to make the decision if we would take them by the next morning. We found out later that a friend had led our congregation in a special prayer for our direction. We had crystal clear direction. We went from two children to four children under four years old in a day. That week a friend organized a food shower for us and my freezer was so filled I rarely cooked for 3 months! When we were adopting our second child, my school-age nieces fasted and prayed for us one day. I know we were soaked in prayer by many. What support!
I also believe that we, strong-natured-mother-hearts, must let our husbands set the course. For every decision husband and wife must be on the same page. No pushing. No pulling. I know this because my nature is a pusher and a puller and that is not God’s way.
Our opportunity:
Through adoption we have amazing opportunities to spread God’s light in dark places. Whether we are matched for an infant adoption, for an international adoption or are fostering children, this is not about me. This is about lifting Him up. No matter the circumstances – failed matches or joyous adoptions- may we have the calm assurance that God needed us right here to lift Him up to these people. Rest in Him. God is big and we are small.
We have found it rewarding to maintain a connection to someone in our children’s birth families. Exchanging photos, text messages, letters or colored pictures with their birth family, has satisfied a need in our children. Reaching out to them has meant the world to our birth families as well. If possible let’s open our arms to our children’s often struggling birth families and love them. I often pray for that love overflowing, and He never fails me. It’s so much easier to keep a safe distance, but our only safety lies in following Christ. If He nudges us to show our love in some way, let’s do it. Oh, how I say this to myself. Let’s pray for the precious children and hurting birth families that desperately need prayer warriors.
One thought on genetics: when we honor the way our children are made, we honor God. Don’t fit them into our box of normal. Only compare them with the Bible standard of compassion, respect, and unselfishness. That is the goal, nothing else.
Our grief:
A huge aspect of adoption is being honest about our grief, not denying and not dramatizing. The barren womb can be a bone-deep ache. Proverbs says it is never enough. Friends, Jesus is enough. This ache is what He came for. I remember well the bone-deep rest that came with surrender. Many adoptive parents have broken hearts and broken dreams. Our God desires truth in the inward parts (Psalm 51:6). Am I truthful in my inward parts? Oh, for grace to feel, to be open and honest, so we can move through our pain. If we follow, our Father always walks us out. He never leaves us stuck. We parent from the inside out (Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel J. Siegel, Mary Hartzell). If we have denied our loss, numbed our feelings, or dramatized our feelings our parenting will be greatly hindered. A hint of a bitter spirit will bleed into those around us. We must accept our story, before we can accept our child’s story. We are all broken. Recognizing my brokenness is crucial to connecting with my broken child. I must give all the broken pieces of me to God again and again. Only then can my child give me the broken pieces of her. After which our Father takes all the broken pieces and creates the most beautiful puzzle; two hearts interlocking.
Being open:
It is so important to be open and ready to learn from anybody and anything. Listen, listen, and listen. God can teach us about our children and us in so many ways. There is no perfect way, no perfect book (except God’s Word), no perfect program, and no perfect therapist, which we can take hook, line, and sinker. However, there are snippets everywhere that are so helpful. If something feels like light and doable, let’s try it. If not, it may not be for us. We might try something else, but let’s keep trying. Let’s always be trying, always welcoming advice, always be seeking, with an open heart and open mind trying what God lays on our hearts.
Myself:
I am an independent, idealistic, and opinionated person but my precious Lord wanted to soften me and he’s working at it. I am not kind, nor patient, nor gentle. I am not comfortable with emotion, especially not tears or neediness. God gave me emotional, needy children. My children are more for me than I for them. It is I who needs healing. It is I who needs rescuing. I am a controlling person. When I started giving in and sharing control my child started relaxing. I am easily irritated. Irritation destroys. Irritation is multiplied by a thousand when I have a difficult child, but God gives no excuse. The Bible says, “Love is not irritable”. The Bible says anyone can love someone who loves them in return, but we are called to love our enemies. This is a high calling, but God said it and I believe it. I must see my children through eyes of love. I must. I am either a healer or a destroyer. It is my choice. I cannot do it alone, but God is big enough if I believe in His bigness. It comes down to my heart belief. Lord, I believe. Help thou my unbelief. (Mark 9:24). How big is my God? Every breath…a prayer… and I mean that.
Here is a general idea of what usually happens in our home and what we work toward; however, a restful atmosphere is more important than nutritious food, learning scripture, or chores. If something needs to be crossed off for the evening, we chuck it! Flexibility is important, but flexibility is not chaos. All kinds of therapy can be helpful, but a therapeutic atmosphere in the home cannot be replaced. If our home is stressed or I am frustrated often, I ask the Lord to show me what to change. He graciously does, and most often it’s myself. He’s constantly tweaking me.
I want to be clear; this is simply our experience. It is not answers. But I really want to hold out hope, I want to encourage, I want to hold up your hands! Let us not be weary in well-doing! God’s strength is our strength when we spend time at His well. We believe healing comes from spirit, mind, and body. If there is a lack of nurture in one, healing will be greatly hindered.
MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL HEALTH
Remember, always remember, experience changes the brain. What is my child experiencing? These things are healthy for all children, but children from hard places need to be saturated. They need intensive care. I cannot stress empathy enough. Pray for empathy. Beg for empathy. Empathy is hard for me, but I am learning.
Thoughts on rhythmic movement:
- I cannot overemphasize the benefits of rocking. We still rock our children some evenings. As they get healthier it doesn’t have to be long, but when possible cuddle them and rock them.
- Several times a week I jump on the trampoline with our children. It is fun! An indoor rebounder is another great way for your children to get more rhythmic movement. It is SO beneficial for the brain.
- Swing every day.
- The last couple summers I’ve been teaching my children to ride horse. This is another great form of togetherness and rhythmic movement.
Thoughts on togetherness:
- The most important words you will ever tell your child are “Come with me”. Include them in everything. From bathing baby to cleaning windows to chopping salad, they often must be by your side. This is not easy for my independent self. My children take turns, but no matter what I am doing, usually one or two children are helping me.
- We play games often or read together.
- In the winter we usually have a puzzle going and we spend lots of time around the puzzle.
- We sometimes color, draw, or paint together. It connects the hearts and relaxes tight minds.
- Meal times around a table are proven to be healthy for the brain. Make it a good time. Talk about the day.
- Gardening together is wonderful togetherness.
Thoughts on singing:
- I believe in singing. It teaches us to communicate and unlocks hearts.
- Singing engages practically every area of the brain simultaneously. Millions of connections are formed as the brain processes quality music. Singing raises dopamine levels in the brain. Dopamine increases mood, focus and participation. If you want an infallible way to improve your child’s brain and emotional stability, sing.
- Singing helps coordination, something many children from hard places struggle with.
- Singing fills our minds with positive thoughts, which lead to positive pathways in our brain.
- For many years we mostly sang short Bible school songs, now I often have a song on the fridge that we work on memorizing.
- Singing keeps my tongue from getting snappy and it keeps my children’s tongues from squabbling.
- Sing while you drive. Sing while you clean up the kitchen. Sing for your own sanity, eventually they’ll join you. In a very frustrating time of life the Lord told me to SING! It was for our happiness, praise God! So sing!
Thoughts on strong-sitting:
• This strategy I learned about from Nancy Thomas and I believe in it. I did it often with the children for a season and then we forgot about it. However I believe it is a valuable tool for healing. It is not punishment. You simply sit with good posture cross-legged on the floor and cross your arms straight out in front of you. Lace your fingers together and bring your hands to your chest.
Thoughts on journaling:
• Each of our children has a journal. Several times a week I tell them to write a couple sentences in their journal. I like them to write a little bit about their day, something they did, something that made them mad, or something that made them happy. Often this turns into conversation and connection. If they hate journaling, don’t push it, or just encourage them to write three words or a face about feelings they felt during the day.
Thoughts on physical touch:
- The children we got as infants I used a wrap and carried them on me as often as possible.
- Our children often slept with us or right beside us for the first year or two after we got them. Also anytime we felt like more connection was needed for a specific child than we could give in a day, they would sleep with us. Remember, parents need bonding time just as much as the child, probably more. Nothing expedites bonding like physical touch. Night time nurture is so important for attachment.
- Occasionally I rub their back or feet after they’re in bed, especially if they are not feeling well. I love to use calming and healing essential oils in the massage such as a couple drops of lavender, frankincense or whatever I have in one tablespoon of coconut oil.
- Hugs, hugs, hugs! I believe this is important, but if they don’t like them, be respectful and go slowly.
- Band Aids (trademark)! Vet wrap! Just use them. I first heard this from Karyn Purvis. This went against every fiber of my being. A couple of my children cry over every little scratch. Crying was not allowed much in my childhood and, talk about “shark music”(Raising the Secure Child), crying turns on my “shark music” quicker than anything else. Oh, I have had to grit my teeth to use a Band-Aid without serious blood. I have learned, though, that it’s okay. Hug them, put a band-aid on or wrap it with a bit of vet wrap. Just do it. When they know their every need, perceived or real, will be taken care of, they feel safe and they relax. Remember it’s probably not about the scratch. Lord, help me see through the behavior and into the need.
- I often held their hands while they sat in their car seats. Hold their hands as much as possible.
- Sitting in church is the prime opportunity to rub their back, rub the palms of their hands or trace their face. Use every opportunity!
- My children love hand games and love it when Mom does it with them which is such good therapy in so many ways! Just a few minutes of hand games when they get home from school puts the smiles on and connects the hearts.
- My girls have loved setting up a little spa and doing foot scrubs and foot massages on mom and each other.
- My children love combing my hair. Sometimes they do it while I read to them. This is another easy way to increase connection.
- Two of our daughters flip flopped between clingy and distant. Neither is healthy and strong. When our daughter was emotionally weak, I kept her close to my side. We held hands a lot or she sat on my lap. She didn’t always want to. She was extremely stubborn. When I could tell she was strong and had a healthy attitude, I would let her go play. When sad negative attitudes arose I’d pull her in close for lots of physical connection time. We still dance that dance occasionally, but she is usually strong now.
Thoughts on rest and relaxation:
- The Bible says, “keepers at home” for a reason. Be home as much as possible.
- When our children were in the first couple years of school bedtime was 7:30 as many nights as possible. Now bedtime is around 8:00 as many nights as possible. Not all of our children need this much sleep, but two of ours need every bit of it. This gives us time to massage, journal, read Bible verses and pray. Two of our children drop off to sleep immediately and three read for a while. This also gives Mom and Dad a restful time of restoration. I have read that the only time a child’s nervous system develops is while they are sleeping. The nervous system is crucial. They need deep sleep.
- Naps or quiet time in the afternoon is also important, especially for preschoolers or children who are over-stimulated easily.
- I often encourage my children to take deep breaths when I can tell they are uptight. Deep breathing has so many benefits.
- I have at times asked the teacher for no homework (easier said than done). Homework benefits little and rest and play are more important for them to be ready for another day.
- I am learning to have the majority of supper done by the time they get home from school, so I have time to listen to them and be relaxed.
- Mozart music is scientifically proven to be very calming. When anxieties rise high, we have found it helpful.
- Listening to the Bible on audio has been very soothing to our children and they love it. A beautiful audio version is called Word of Promise.
- Chewing gum has helped calm our one anxious daughter.
- Epsom salt baths are so simple they are often overlooked. Children from hard places have lots of built up toxicity in their little bodies such as fear, negative thought patterns, or poor nutrition. Epsom salt is a cheap, relaxing and natural detox. Add several drops of lavender and frankincense essential oil for another boost of calm and healing.
- Sometimes I get the feeling that one of our children needs to unwind, relax and reconnect for a day, so I keep her home from school. We have precious one on one time and focus on connection. They recharge and are ready to face school again with courage!
Thoughts on play:
- Playing with my children has not come naturally for me, but I believe it is vital. Plus, it’s great exercise! Tag, soccer, hockey, 4-square, hide and seek, jumping on the trampoline are all games we play at times. With toddlers play pat-a-cake, This is The Way the Lady Rides, chase them daily, and race up the stairs! Have fun!
- We have not done well at this, but recently I have been learning about the value of having only few toys and the brain benefits of having many of your toys being “loose parts” and not “play specific” toys. Examples of “loose parts” toys are as follows: colorful paper, popsicle sticks, Keva blocks, Duplo, Lego, grass, rocks, boxes, and more. “Loose parts” toys can be whatever the imagination makes them to be and this is so great for the developing brain.
Thoughts on very little pressure:
- I use the term “very little pressure” because every child needs to learn to deal with times of hurrying and times of pressure. It’s life. However it should not be the normal, always running, always hurrying, and always pushing. Planning extra time for loading and leaving is so important.
- A huge key is waking up early and getting to bed on time.
- I largely leave their school grades up to them and their teacher. Grades don’t matter much as long as they are learning to be kind and respectful. Mom is the support, not the pusher. I refuse to put my children in a book learning box. If they thrive learning by the book, that is great. If they don’t, that is fine. As long as they are getting the basics of reading and math, it’s okay. Teach them life skills by your side. I pray often that they can learn what they need to fulfill God’s purpose for them. Children will always learn best in a relaxed atmosphere. If there is not pressure at home, they can handle the pressures of school so much better.
- I must let go of any high standards I might have and do not let embarrassment or shame ever put pressure on my child. I must deal with my child for the sake of my child’s future good, not because of my pride.
Thoughts on positive calm words: - Oh, how I am learning this. My tongue is so quick and poisonous. I pray all day for God to zip my mouth, so I can teach in a calm, positive way.
- Refuse word wars. No shame, no blame.
- Notice the tiniest efforts and hug, praise, or high five!
- Talk as if you are the Queen talking to a kind princess or an honorable prince. If they know you believe they are kind and honorable and that they have something to offer the world, they may want to offer it!
- Short phrases over and over again. Several phrases we need in our home: “Calm down. Big breaths.” “Kind words.” “Show respect.” “Let’s redo that!” “Say that again with respect.” “Be gentle.”
- It is important we are honest with our children, that we name their problems, and identify with them. “I think you are struggling with jealousy. I struggle with that sometimes, too”. This tells my child, “You are not alone. I am with you.”
- Be a yes mom as much as possible if they ask respectfully! Yes is a powerful bonding agent.
Thoughts on responsibility:
- I have a simple chore schedule with the chores that need to be done every day.
- After supper I set the timer for 15 minutes and we all clean up supper dishes, zip, zap, zoom! With lots of craziness between the zip, zap and zoom! (And sometimes much longer than 15 minutes!)
- Every morning one child helps with breakfast. They usually choose the night before what we will have with mom’s approval.
- At around 7:45pm we tidy the house. Our house is easily divided into zones and each child takes a zone for 10 minutes.
- On Saturdays each of the children has one or two rooms to clean well. Any extras I need done I write on a list. Lists help me not heap work on work and they love to be able to cross off their jobs. I am the sidekick playing the role of Mother Manager, helping them, checking the corners, and teaching.
- I feel it is important for them to report to me for inspection when a job is done. However, inspect the effort, more than the job.
Thoughts on smiles and laughter: - I can laugh hysterically with my sisters, but in my home when there is work to be done I can be as sober as a fish. I have to make a conscious effort to smile often and pray that I can “be a joyful mother of children” (Psalm 113:9). My husband is the best at this and is always teasing and making the children laugh, which I love. I have gotten better at it, though, so I know it can be done! Practice makes perfect! Keep smiling! Keep laughing! Keep dancing! It is essential for healing.
Thoughts on ruptures and repairs:
- I borrow this term from one of my favorite books Raising A Secure Child by Kent Hoffman, Glen Cooper, and Bert Powell. The rupture and repair is so important in relationship. The term and the practice give off a relaxed atmosphere. There will be ruptures and there will be repairs. It is what teaches my child about relationships. Genuine repentance to God and our children when we make a mistake binds our hearts together. I have experienced this over and again.
Thoughts on being present:
- What a struggle for me. I am a communicator and love learning and I love my phone. If I’m not having a valuable conversation or learning something interesting I am bored. I have been on a couple chats that I simply had to exit, because it is such a weakness of mine. I love listening to speakers, podcasts, and books. I have hobbies I love. I have had to make rules for myself. Friends, be present for your children. Be all there. Be available. Don’t live distracted by busyness, hobbies or phone addiction. It takes away from so much that is valuable in our lives such as being fully engaged with our children, Bible reading or it simply gets us to bed too late. It is the devil’s ploy to tear apart families. Slow down. Set limits on your phone. Ask God for help. He is faithful.
Thoughts on listening:
- I cannot stress this enough. Slow down and listen. Children must be heard. If they are seldom heard, a child from a hard place will feel very unsafe and out of control, because their whole life has been out of control. When I softened, listened, and empathized, my children started feeling heard. When they knew they would be heard difficult behaviors greatly lessened. Often they do not have words, but listen to their behavior. Behavior is the expression of a need. I must listen, truly listen with my heart. Always validate their feelings, but then guide them through. “I am sorry you are feeling this way.” “That must be frustrating.” “That must have been hurtful.” After we listen, validate, and empathize, if possible guide their thoughts away from how they’ve been treated and to how they treat others. According to Dr. Caroline Leaf, no matter the brain damage, we heal faster when we focus on others.
Thoughts on allowing emotion:
- Are we bigger, stronger, wiser, and kind (quote Raising the Secure Child again)? If we are, then we are strong enough to allow our child’s deepest emotions to surface. My friend’s child has been through horrific trauma and in his anger he attacked his mother in fury. As much as possible she allowed him to rage. She encircled him loosely with her arms allowing the anguish to rage out or held his hands and danced with him as he raged until he was spent. Then she held him. Gradually his rages weren’t toward his mother anymore and have lessened altogether.
- One of our dear children would cry over everything and often for hours. Oh friends, please remember how hard crying is on me. I couldn’t stand it. One day in my journey I heard about a father grieving over the death of his wayward son. He wept as he said, “I was not meek enough to help him.” I knew God was speaking to me and meekness was key and I started breaking. The breaking of me is daily. When I am broken together with my broken child our hearts fit. It changed me. I kept on doing some of the same things, but my spirit was different. A broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou will not despise (Psalm 51:17). I held her as she cried and when I could no longer hold her because of other littles needing mama I would carry her to our bed right close to the kitchen, tuck her in, and tell her kindly that she could cry as long as wanted. She would wail loud pitiful heartbroken sobs, often for hours. Every 5 or 10 minutes I would go and hug her and tell her it was okay, she could cry. I no longer was trying to find ways to stop her tears, I was embracing her tears. It was so hard for me, but by God’s grace I did it and she slowly over years stopped crying. For years any change or disruption, any tiny lack of sleep or food, would send her back to unending tears. Sometimes I failed miserably, but sometimes I had the grace to encourage her tears and saturate her with my love when it was the hardest for me to love. Today she is still a sensitive child, but she communicates well with her words. Let them let the emotion out, usually it will lessen over time, but if it doesn’t, pray for wisdom to guide them out. Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted (Matthew 5:4). Mourning is expression of grief. Our children from hard places have lost so much. Let them express. Let them mourn.
Thoughts on sharing control:
- My default is control. While this may not be all bad, it is not all good either. When I started being more flexible and giving my child choices where I could she started feeling heard. When she started feeling heard she started feeling safe. Two basic examples: 1. Our daughter cried if I made her sleep in her bed. She could talk well, but she would never tell me why she cried, only tears. It frustrated me. In my mind that is where you sleep, in your cozy bed quiet and dark. When I gave her several choices of where she could sleep and if she wanted the lamp on or not or a water bottle or not or sometimes even a little snack beside her bed, she relaxed. She quit crying every night. She was being heard. 2. For my 3 yr old I will bring the box of toys out to the living room where I am working. I will ask him, “Where should mama put your toys?” He will proudly lead me to a place on the floor where he wants his box of toys. He has a voice and it is heard. Obviously there are times when we cannot give choices, but if we share control in times that we can our children accept no in other areas better. A quote I love from The Secret Garden: “mother says as th’ two worst things as can happen to a child is never to have his own way – or always to have it. She doesn’t know which is th’ worst.” Wisdom, dear Lord, wisdom.
Thoughts on safety education:
- This is last but not least. Children from hard places are more vulnerable to sexual abuse. We must be proactive and watchful. We started the conversation about keeping private parts private at a young age. A very helpful children’s book on this topic is “I SAID NO” by Zach and Kimberly King. Read it with your children as they grow. Oh, how watchful a mother must be. I cannot stress this enough. Modesty is also important for our children’s safety. Our children must be taught and they must be watched in the home and out of the home. I often tell my children to keep an eye out for each other at social functions and a couple of us mothers try to do our ’rounds’, though it is so easy to neglect. Please check on your children. I am not a huge fan of sleepovers; however we do them occasionally. Mothers, be involved. Bring them popcorn often! Doors are open and mom may go in and out at will. Be very careful where your children stay.
SPIRITUAL HEALTH
We must be intentional. Spiritual health doesn’t just happen. Bible stories, scripture learning, and prayer must be priority. It is of utmost importance.
God, our Healer.
- “He hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised.” (Luke 4:18b)
We must teach diligently.
- “And all thy children shall be taught of the Lord; and great shall be the peace of thy children.” (Isaiah 54:13)
- “And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might.
And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart:And thou shalt teach them diligently unto
thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when
thou liest down, and when thou risest up.”(Deuteronomy 6:5-7 - “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.” (St. John 1:1)
- God’s Word is alive! God’s Word is God! There is nothing like the healing power of God’s Word. Say it with them, speak it over them. Anoint them with God’s Word over and over again. Without God no healing is possible. We believe in the power of God’s word, but as Deuteronomy 6:6 says it must be in my heart. Children know when we are just going through the motions. We believe God has the power to change the past, to pave the way into the future and guide us in the present.
Planned by God and for a purpose.
Our children from rocky beginnings need to be saturated with their worthiness in Christ. Memorize the verses below and many more. We ought to teach them again and again that they were planned by God and have a world-changing purpose here on earth. Being long anticipated by God before the foundations of the world for His glory must be the fabric of their being, the bedrock of their belief system! We cannot hand it to them, they will need to surrender and accept it, but we surely can help them to it. This bedrock will anchor them when thoughtless, insensitive, and prejudiced comments and people come their way.
- “According as he hath chosen us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before him in love: Having predestinated us unto the adoption of children by Jesus Christ to himself, according to the good pleasure of his will, to the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved. (Ephesians 1:4-6)
- “For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are they works; and that my soul knoweth right well. My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.” (Psalm 139:13-15)
- “Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations.” (Jeremiah 1:5)
- “By thee have I been holden up from the womb: thou art he that took me out of my mother’s bowels: my praise shall be continually of thee.” (Psalm 71:6)
- “But when it pleased God, who separated me from my mother’s womb, and called me by his grace, to reveal his Son in me, that I might preach him among the heathen.” (Galatians 1:15-16)
Thoughts on spiritual health:
- We say a passage of scripture almost every night together. When we have one learned we move to another special scripture that I want engraved on their hearts.
- I pray with each child a personal prayer. We pray about their life and their birth families. They pray for mama and daddy to be kind and patient. We pray that God would fill our home with love and kind words. I thank God for this precious child. We pray about their teenage years. We pray about others who are struggling. We pray about everything.
- As often as possible read Bible stories and memorize memory verses. I have a rule for myself that if my children come to me wanting me to read a Bible story, if possible, I will drop what I am doing and read that Bible story. God’s Word is of utmost importance.
- We feel that we need every positive influence we can get in our home. I am always on the lookout for positive books to reinforce the life lessons we teach. Fill your home with children’s books on manners, etiquette, honorable gentlemen and ladies, and tales of value and of virtue. Set them on your coffee table. Have them available, read them, and discuss them. Let them stir the heart of the honorable prince or princess that surely exists deep down in every child.
- Have family devotions together as often as possible.
- If one is having struggles I encourage her to pray at school that she can focus and learn what she needs to know. (Remember this is not always about school work.) Oh, that my children know they have a Source to turn to!
- I pray often that I can tune in to my children’s needs.
- If the day is done and I have not prayed for each of my children, my truest, highest work has been neglected.
PHYSICAL HEALTH
Mental and physical health is at a record low for children in America. Nutrition is important in all children, however with children from hard places it is not simply maintenance, it is brain healing we need. It is intensive care. Brain damage varies greatly, of course, but trauma does cause damage. We need to increase nutrient-dense foods and decrease empty foods. Targeted and concentrated nutrition is a vital element to healing.
This has been hard for our home. My husband did not like most vegetables and he loves sweets. He has acute taste buds and I have almost no taste buds! I am intrigued by nutrition and my husband is not. Two of our children have been extremely picky eaters and cooking is not my strong point. The kitchen has often been a place of despair and tears, but it is better now. My family has been very patient and longsuffering.
When we are used to sugary drinks and foods an apple tastes dull. Sugar and refined carbohydrates are physically and psychologically addictive. It is not easy to break from the modern American diet. Keep with it, slowly, but surely, our taste buds and bodies heal and change.
Remember that food is another strong bonding and nurturing tool. If it seems helpful to use a favorite cookie or candy to connect with your child that is okay!
Eating nutritious foods is sometimes more expensive. However there are ways of eating nutritious foods on a tight budget. No, your food may not be as rich and sweet, but your taste buds will adjust if you’re determined. It is a mindset.
Choose harmony over health, but never give up. Keep working on it in little baby steps. I am in charge of what my children eat, not because of control, but because I am looking towards their future good. In this all, remember, God is bigger than nutrition. He’s also bigger than therapists and diagnoses. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t use therapists, diagnoses or nutrition to heal us; he absolutely can, but we must keep God first. Little tweaks through the years have culminated in our lifestyle lined out below.
1. HEAL THE GUT
Many children from hard places have a compromised gut due to stress, infant formula, poor diet, etc…Because of this many children from hard places crave sugary or empty carby foods. Dianne Craft says 99% of struggling learners she works with have immune issues such as allergies, eczema, asthma, diabetes and more. A good immune system starts in the gut. It clearly is connected to brain health. Ninety percent of serotonin (the feel good hormone) is produced in a healthy gut. Sugar and empty carbohydrates are extremely hard on the gut, feeding yeast and killing good bacteria among other evils. An overgrowth of yeast inhibits nutrients from being absorbed. Traditionally fermented and cultured foods were a staple, now in our modern American diet, they are nearly nonexistent. We need more.
Ideas for gut healing:
- I keep track of our children’s bowel movements occasionally. They should be having a bowel movement at least once a day. It should not be too hard or too loose. A healthy stool should be smooth and sink to the bottom of the toilet. This will vary some between children, but it’s a general idea. Our body can deal with some toxins as long we eliminate well.
- Diligently reduce sugar and empty carbohydrates. A good place to start is with breakfast and snacks. We seldom have store-bought cereal. We sometimes use small sweets as a treat for finishing a healthy meal. Sweeteners we use in place of sugar in some things are a mix of erythritol and stevia. Other sweeteners we use are monk fruit, honey, maple syrup, and coconut sugar or blackstrap molasses. Erythritol, stevia, and monk fruit have no affect on blood sugar.
- Avoid products with high fructose corn syrup.
- Beware of artificial sweeteners; some are very toxic to the brain and hard on the gut.
- Water kefir is a very easy and yummy drink to make and full of probiotics.
- Milk kefir is best made with raw milk; however you can make it with store-bought milk if you do not have a source for raw milk. We primarily use it in peach or berry smoothies for an after school snack or breakfast. It is a powerhouse for the gut. Milk kefir is probably the number one food for gut healing.
- Kombucha is another yummy drink so great for the gut. I sometimes sweeten it with stevia for our children and they like it better.
- Fermented vegetables such as raw and real sauerkraut are a wonderful source of probiotics. Some of my children do not eat it, but amazingly enough my six year old loves it. Keep trying!
- A couple tablespoons of organic apple cider vinegar with the mother in a gallon of water with a squeeze of half a lemon or a capful of cherry flavoring and then add one fourth teaspoon of pure stevia extract and you got a zingy zangy refreshing drink full of good stuff. Our children love it!
- Collagen is a protein supplement that is very healing. I use Trim Healthy Mama collagen as it is sourced from grass-fed cows. It is almost tasteless. I add it to smoothies, soups, coffee, etc.
- We often eat bone-in meat, which has gelatin and collagen, plus many more health benefits. I make lots of bone broth with left over bones and use bone broth in many recipes. Bone broth is rich in minerals, amino acids, vitamins, and other healthy nutrients. I use it as often as possible.
- Okra is extremely soothing to the gut. I buy it cut up frozen in packages. I can put a handful into a smoothie and my children have no idea it’s there. I blend a whole cup or two into the broth of soup or into the eggs and milk in meatloaf or the sauce of spaghetti, etc. Blend it good and mix it in and keep a secret! It’s also fabulous browned in a frying pan with butter and mineral salt.
- Aloe Vera is an amazing lubricant for gut health. Scrape it out of a leaf from your aloe vera plant or buy a good quality aloe vera and add it to your smoothies.
- Applesauce mixed with pumpkin is simple yet so amazing for gut greatness!
2. EAT REAL FOOD
Our simple goal for meals is as follows: protein, vegetables, and/or healthy carbohydrates and good fats added somewhere. I use some Iodized Sea Salt in my cooking, but mostly mineral salt such as: Real Salt, Himalayan Salt, or Celtic Salt. Mineral salt is helpful in replenishing minerals. Many children are deficient in minerals.
Below is an outline of foods we often eat just to get our minds going. Every family has to find what works for them.
Common breakfasts in our home:
- Baked oatmeal made with real butter, of course and sugar reduced a bit with berries is a favorite.
- Pancakes, waffles, or crepes made with oat flour or freshly ground flour and cottage cheese and eggs. Full of protein and slow-burning healthy carbohydrates.
- Cream syrup made with a little bit of sugar and erythritol/stevia mix. It’s yum! Real maple syrup is great, too, and has good minerals.
- All kinds of eggs!
- Bread made with freshly ground flour or whole wheat sourdough for amazing toast!
- Yogurt parfaits with frozen berries. I often make yogurt, but good quality store-bought yogurt is great, too.
- Dutch babies made with freshly ground whole wheat flour or oat flour.
- Most mornings we have hot tea sweetened with stevia or we have water kefir. Chamomile tea is a favorite and calming.
Common snacks in our home:
- Homemade eggnog made with raw eggs and raw milk is saturated with goodness. It is nutrient-rich, vitamin and mineral-packed, protein-plenty and easy. I sweeten it with blackstrap molasses, maple syrup or raw sugar.
- Vegetables and dip
- Apples, apples, apples
- Frozen raspberries with yogurt.
- Natural beef sticks
- Smoothies from frozen berries, raw milk kefir and collagen added, sweetened with a bit of honey or pure stevia. Protein bites
- Deviled eggs
- Left-over pancakes or waffles from breakfast with peanut butter and honey
- Guacamole and chips
- Homemade granola bars
- So much fruit!
- Nuts and seeds
- Applesauce with pumpkin
- Salmon dip made with wild caught canned salmon (bones left in and smashed well) and crackers
Hydration is so important! Avoid sugary drinks.
Common drinks in our home:
- A jar of water on the counter with a straw reminds us to drink every time we see it.
- I make a gallon of green tea, hibiscus tea, oolong tea, rooibos tea or black tea sweetened with one fourth teaspoon pure stevia almost every day in the summer. It took a bit for our taste buds to appreciate stevia, but now we all love it, even my dear husband. Getting a good quality stevia is important as the taste is better. In our opinion the best stevia is Trim Healthy Mama brand, pure stevia extract. Be careful of black tea if you have an over-stimulated child as it has caffeine. Herbal teas hydrate, cleanse and have many nutrients!
- I make real lemonade with fresh squeezed lemons and sweetened with one fourth teaspoon pure stevia in a gallon. This is an amazing cleansing sugarless drink. I also buy Bai or kombucha sometimes for quick drink treat.
Healthy carbohydrates are crucial for thyroid function and adrenals. In children from hard places adrenals are almost always overworked and need healthy carbohydrates to heal.
Healthy carbohydrates in our home:
- In our daily life, I include a variety of healthy carbohydrates such as freshly ground whole wheat or spelt flour, oats, rye flour, lentils, beans, brown rice, quinoa, sourdough, root vegetables, fruit and more.
- I use freshly ground whole wheat flour in all my baking including bread, cookies, muffins, biscuits, pancakes, pizza crust and much more. The wheat berry is one of the most nutrient dense foods we have. It’s nutrients are fully protected until exposed to oxygen. Within 24 hours of being ground, whole wheat flour loses 45% of it’s nutrients to oxidization and in only three days after it’s ground 90% of nutrients are lost.
- Another good carbohydrate in my pancakes and waffles is cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is a great source of protein, too!
- We have an easy source for raw cow’s milk and at times raw goat’s milk. My children drink it every day and I also use it in smoothies and egg nog. For cooking I use store-bought milk because it is cheaper. A great alternative to sugary chocolate milk is Dandy Blend. Put three tablespoons Dandy Blend in a two quart jar of milk with around one sixteenth to one eighth teaspoon of pure stevia. Shake it well. Let it sit in the fridge for a bit and serve. Our children love it. Another option is to make your own chocolate syrup out of cacao powder. Cacao powder is processed in a better way than cocoa powder retaining more minerals and antioxidants.
We need more vegetables in our diet. They are cleansing and restorative. Fill your grocery cart or garden with them. We often have two vegetable side dishes and then I “hide” vegetables in as many entrees as possible
Vegetables in our home:
- A wedge of purple cabbage goes well in a berry smoothie.
- Spinach hardly reveals itself in a lime or mint smoothie.
- Blended okra and chopped kale are not even noticed in meatloaf.
- Riced cauliflower, teeny diced peppers, onions, and spinach hide under the cheese in pizza.
- Pumpkin and okra blended disappear into chili without a trace.
- Riced cauliflower mixed in with rice camouflages well.
- Kale and cabbage chopped into spaghetti sauce is not noticed much.
- Spinach chopped tiny or other veggies add to the morning omelet! Your family will hardly know it.
- I love to chop mushrooms tiny and add them to ground beef in so many dishes. They make ground beef moist and succulent and no one will notice. If you put mushrooms in the sun for a couple hours before they are used they can soak in up to 1000% more vitamin D in an easily absorbed form! What a nutritional punch!
- Yes, I have a good chopper :). Let food be thy medicine.
3. NOURISH THE BRAIN
Our brains are 60% fat. Trauma and stress can cause brain damage. A damaged brain needs large amounts of good fats for healing. The modern American diet is unbalanced with high amounts of omega 6 fatty acids and low amounts of omega 3 fatty acids. This imbalance can cause inflammation, which can cause immune dysfunction. It is crucial for brain healing that we increase our omega 3 fatty acids or better yet eat foods with a good balance.
Sugar is a stimulant and also causes inflammation. Many children from hard places already have brains that are over-stimulated. Please reduce sugar.
Nourishing the brain in our home:
- As a rule of thumb, fats that harden when cold such as: coconut oil, butter, lard, or tallow are the best oils to use for cooking, because they are stable when heated. Two tablespoons of coconut oil in a pot of oatmeal is hardly noticed and such a brain boost. Grass fed butter and cream are superstars for the brain, as well as grass fed raw goat’s milk, but I realize grass fed anything is expensive. Don’t stress, do what works. Vegetable oils are not great. Try to reduce them.
- Nuts and seeds are a common snack. Sprouted or raw nuts and seeds are optimal, but I haven’t done that yet.
- I use olive oil, avocado oil or part MCT oil in homemade salad dressings and sweeten my salad dressings with less sugar. MCT oil is like rocket fuel for the brain, and amazing for the gut, but yes, it’s expensive as well. Find what works for you.
- I try to have fish once a week with salmon being the king of health benefits for brains! Frozen fillets are quite economical and so easy. Wild caught canned salmon is also great made into patties with seasonings and browned in butter or make cracker dip with it!
- Avocados smashed and mixed with a squeeze of lime and garlic salt is another snack several of my children love for chip dip! Avocado is such a good fat for brain healing. I often put a half of avocado into our berry smoothies! You cannot taste it and it makes a delightfully smooth smoothie.
- If you can afford grass fed meat, buy it, or raise your own, or hunt. Grass fed meat has the optimal balance of essential fatty acids. If you can’t afford it, don’t buy it and relax in God’s arms. He is bigger.
- Cod Liver Oil is amazing. Fish oil is great, too. I have supplemented my children with Cod Liver Oil often through the years. Get a good quality brand and mix around one teaspoon in about one fourth cup of orange juice. After much trial and error, I found that orange juice carries the cod liver oil flavor well and my children do not mind it at all. Mix it well and slurp it up with a straw. Easy peasy. In this same cup of juice I have often put Zing Trace Minerals, Natural Attention Aid from Mountain Meadow Herbs and Pure Synergy Pure Radiance C (a camu camu and berry sourced vitamin C).
- Frankincense essential oil is an amazing healer and seems especially formatted for the brain. It crosses the blood brain barrier with ease and reduces inflammation, anxiety, and depression effectively. Frankincense increases oxygen in the brain and supports the nervous system. You can apply one or two drops on the top of the head or rub a couple drops in around the base of the skull. Diffusing frankincense into the air is excellent as well.
- Magnesium is a crucial mineral for healing from stress. Most children who have experienced stress are deficient in magnesium. There are many different types of magnesium. From my research, magnesium bicarbonate is the most bioavailable, which means the body is able to absorb it and use it. However, there are other types of magnesium that are very beneficial to some people. I make my own magnesium bicarbonate out of Milk of Magnesium and sparkling mineral water. It is cheap and easy. Look up online how to make your own. Add one fourth cup to orange juice with one fourth cup coconut water, a pinch of mineral salt, and one fourth teaspoon cream of tartar (cream of tartar is potassium) for an easily absorbed mineral boost!
4. STABILIZE BLOOD SUGAR
Blood sugar spikes can greatly contribute to mood swings and unbalanced emotions, especially in struggling children. This is not complicated. Reduce sugar and empty carbohydrates. Be mindful and try to provide protein with every snack and meal.
5. CHIROPRACTIC HEALTH
The health of the spine affects our nervous system. Our nervous system has an impact on everything.
Chiropractic health in our home:
• The chiropractor has been so helpful in our family. He cured chronic hearing issues in one of our daughters whom the ENT had scheduled surgery for ear tubes. After a couple months of weekly chiropractic care tubes were no longer needed and her speech jumped from 5-10 words to over 200 hundred words. She could hear properly. He has helped our children sleep better and be calmer. There have been seasons in our life where a couple of our children needed to go every week or every month, but now it is only when issues arise or several times a year.
6. AVOID TOXINS
I believe that children from difficult beginnings cannot handle the amount of toxins that classic children can. It seems to me that we have a figurative scale in each of us from conception. For children from hard places that scale is tipped heavy to the negative in spirit, mind, and body. Incoming toxins, whether it be fear or a questionable preservative can cause overload quickly.
Toxins to think about:
- Colors, some preservatives, some thickeners, and some processes can be harmful. Know what’s in your food. Be aware of what you put on your child’s skin. It goes straight into the body. Don’t be fearful, just aware.
- Negative thoughts are just as toxic as the worst preservative, probably more. Help your child to positive thoughts with lots of smiles!
THOUGHTS ON SCHOOL
- I have made so many mistakes, but they have taught me, and I’m still learning. Build a relationship with your child’s teacher before hard things happen. Bring an after school snack. Drop off a Starbuck’s gift card. Communicate and sincerely compliment. Smile and thank them often.
- We try to help our teachers learn to know our children. Not for self protection, not to protect our child, but just being an honest advocate for our children. Give the teacher the benefit of the doubt for as long as possible. School is a balancing act of being supportive and merciful of the teacher and advocating for my child. There’s probably nothing that makes my mama bear hair stand up like dealing with school and my children. When I have been open, honest and kind with our teachers most of the time they have gotten on board with my ideas, such as letting my daughter chew gum during class to help calm her.
- I believe Natural Attention Aid from Mountain Meadow Herbs and Cod Liver Oil have been helpful for several of my children to focus and concentrate in school. Other mothers have noticed improvements with their children as well. Dianne Craft has a good supplement program for struggling learners.
- We have been blessed by a supportive school faculty. When we visited with our school board about sending one of our children on to first grade or having her take kindergarten again these were their words: “If you choose to send her to first grade we will do our best to provide the special education she might need or if you choose to have her take kindergarten again that is fine. We will support whatever decision you make.” We chose to send her to kindergarten again. We felt like she needed another year at home with mom and she did.
Obviously, this article is not all conclusive; I am always learning and hopefully growing! This is not about perfection. Healing hearts is a messy process. It is about repenting and repairing the ruptures and living life together. It is about “addressing the child that shows up” quote Karyn Purvis. It is about continually teaching them to think good thoughts and thinking good thoughts yourself. It is about humility. I try to let my children be children. As long as it is not dangerous or disrespectful, let it go, grit your teeth, and smile!
We are family. We got each other’s backs. We try, we fail, and we find something that works! We struggle on together in joy and sorrow. How I love my children! I haven’t always. We must keep tweaking them into something lovable, just like God keeps tweaking us if we let Him.
Written in weakness and with so much love for all the little children of the world,
and with the support of my husband,
Rachelle, Mrs. Merlin Yost
Sources that have helped us much:
-Dr. Caroline Leaf videos, podcast, and books
-Transformational Prayer Ministries videos and books
-The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis
-The Connected Parent by Karyn Purvis
-Empowered to Connect/TBRI videos/audios
-Raising A Secure Child by Kent Hoffman, Glenn Cooper, and Bert Powell
-Boundaries for Kids by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
-Triggers by Amber Lia and Wendy Speake
-Keep Your Love On by Danny Silk
-Forever Mom by Mary Ostyn