Ground Zero…

Her Story:
I lay in bed, panic just below the surface. I could not look at my dear wife. I had been trying to prepare her for this talk for a few days. Some days previous, I had told her that I was on a journey of healing from something in my past, that I wasn’t ready to talk about it yet, that as far as I knew, there was no sin involved. I thought I could wait until after the weekend family gathering. Telling her before that would surely make for awkward moments. But by now, I felt like I’d die before then. This could not wait. I focused on the far wall and began…

It was a thing that came slowly: the realization that I was different from most boys. I still remember the first person I fantasized about. He was a little older than I. Popular, a leader. Those thoughts of course didn’t stay. They moved on. As I grew into youth age, I remember feeling awkward about my feelings about other men. Everyone talked about how young men struggled with sexual feelings toward women. I wasn’t so sure that I knew what they were talking about. Girls’ bodies did not turn me on, though I really liked girls as persons. In fact, one of my friends called me a womanizer. Now I believe that, because of my orientation, I didn’t feel the normal reserve a Christian guy has for the opposite sex. It was all very confusing. I supposed that I was the only person like me in my church and tried to disqualify it. Probably “my bad” for letting my thoughts run away with me that first time when I was thirteen. Now my mind was stuck in this pattern. Was it perhaps sin??

The years passed. I loved people. Party animal was me. Many times, my interests ran down other lines than traditional guy things. I applied at a public business in town. This was the ultimate challenge. The crazy public I met there was terrific. One day I was asked the horrible question. “Are you gay?” “Of course not!… or was I?” I’d often heard people speaking of gays with loathing and disgust in their voices. Surely, I wasn’t gay. Being gay was sin…

Then I met the most awesome girl in the whole world. Her personality was so cool. We set the wedding date. Many times, as I suppose every guy does, I wondered how that first night would be. How will everything work out? “Don’t worry”, they said. “Everything just happens naturally.” So, I enjoyed my engagement. She was everything I had dreamed of. A match made in heaven. Companion for life. I still remember the night before the wedding. I was worried. In the back of my mind, I knew that I’d never been sexually attracted to any girl in my life. But I also knew that I loved her. (Note the difference between sexual attraction and true love.) The wedding was bliss. The honeymoon awesome, except in the hotel room. The first night I found myself stalling for time. “How about a coffee yet before bed?” The bedroom really had me worried. And so it went. The honeymoon daytimes were awesome. The night times torture. The weeks went by and slowly I was able to develop a fragile intimacy in the bedroom. My wife was incredibly patient. I was often so fragile that any perceived pressure instantly turned me cold. Intimacy had to be very often quick and spontaneous. Slowly, over the years much of the tension/fear has healed aside from a few triggers now and then.

Apart from bedroom stress, my marriage has been great. We’ve seldom if ever fought, and we’ve worked as a team to raise our family. Going for walks and talking with each other has always been an integral part of our marriage. I thank God that he kept me from all the pitfalls that could have been mine. As I look back, I realize that I was slowly healing through the years. It often bothered me that there was a room in my heart that I could not talk about. Was my heart completely my wife’s? But the terror of telling her was unthinkable. What if it ruined our marriage? Even though to a large extent, God helped me stay free of pornography, I knew that if I would cater to my flesh on the internet, I would view men. This made me often feel dirty. Why couldn’t I be like other men and lust for women. “How nice that would be,” I thought.

Then came the day that I heard the term SSA (same sex attraction) for the first time. I knew instantly that the term was me. I was both relieved and sickened. Relieved that finally my feelings were starting to make sense and that there were others out there like me. And sickened because this abstract problem of mine now had a name. I could no longer ignore it. Besides, ministers were talking about it now in darling whispers…and shaking their heads. “I don’t understand it,” said some preachers that I knew, “but, these SSA boys come from really messed up homes,so I guess anything is possible.” Which made me the oddball again because my home had been OK. Nothing seriously amiss except the fact that my mother struggled with depression. With SSA the focus is always on the dad. “I must have been born this way or maybe so perverted at puberty that I swung over to this orientation. Well, I supposed this secret would get buried with me when I died. Life was good otherwise.”

Then another day came when I listened to a talk on mental health. The speaker designated a bit of time to the SSA problem. I listened spellbound. At that moment I realized that there was actually one person in my church that would “get it”. If only I could speak to him somehow. But I didn’t know how to connect with him and besides, I figured he’d probably immediately contact my minister. I wasn’t ready for that.

Through the course of time, and God’s leading, I connected with this speaker brother on another matter entirely. I was impressed with his perception of delicate and hurtful emotional problems. “Should I open up about my problem?” I did, and his corresponding messages to me were wonderful. He assured me that this was top secret. He wouldn’t be telling anyone. He also made this statement which I read and reread many times over the next few days: “You are a man among men!” Wow, really? After what I’d just told him? He then explained some steps that I could make in time… no pressure. The first was to talk to my wife…

As I talked to her, she started shaking. I was quite sure she would want to move away from me, but she seemed to like it if I held her, so I did until she stopped shaking. We talked until 2:00 am. Then we had night lunch, and we went to bed.

And so began our journey. I say began because even though this had been a part of my life since childhood, I had never really faced it. Now, together with my brave wife, we started piecing my past and our past together. Every day saw more pieces of the puzzle put in place. I admitted for the first time in 40 years that I have a very sensitive personality. I started remembering painful events in my childhood that perhaps another less sensitive person would have navigated reasonably well. I realized that, when I looked with an adult’s view at my childhood, there was an exceptional amount of stress present. My parents always loved me, of that I was sure. The stress was more circumstantial in nature. My Dad was a very busy, overloaded church leader. There were times when he did not have a lot of time for us or the farm. My mother was not always well. Also, I believe there was perhaps an element of unresolved generational emotional pain present in my parental home. More than that I cannot say due to confidentiality. More and more things started making sense. With this knowledge came sadness and a type of grief as I realized what some parts of my life could or should have been like.

Another step in my healing process was to share deeply with a few trusted heterosexual brethren. The anxiety and panic preceding my visit with the first of them was overwhelming. Many times, throughout the day approaching my first visit, I would stop and “deep breathe” to try to control myself. Terror like this I had never experienced before. But the bliss of having a brother who committed to trying to understand me and stand by me was incredible. After the talk, what a load off my mind! And how emotionally exhausted I was! Soon I expanded my “tribe” to three brethren. Again, anxiety before I told them, and relief in their caring responses. What a church I belong to! Some churches deny the existence of SSA in their circles, some churches call it sin. Some churches encourage SSA members to indulge in and celebrate their desires. My church seems ready to accept me and walk the road less traveled together with me. The road of purity and healing. What a blessing!

Her Story:
My sister came home from a trip talking about this fun guy she had met. My interest was piqued. In time I met and spent time with him. I dreamed of marrying him but had no idea if he liked me. One day it came to me I needed to just lay it down. I did that and later that day I wondered what the dull ache inside was. I realized I’d let it go. A few weeks later, the proposal came! I could hardly believe it; I was so happy. When I thought about marrying him, my future looked bright; if I said no, my future looked dark. I believe without a doubt that God led us together.

Twenty years of married life passed and then came the day that He opened up the core of his being to me: his orientation of SSA. I can hardly describe in words how I felt. My mind felt like one of those ads where everything is falling into pieces and when they hit the bottom, all the shattered pieces fit together to make a word. I listened in amazement as he shared his story. My reaction was maybe different than he had expected. He thought I might need to go away from him, to be alone, but it was exactly the opposite. I was shaking and trembling and the only place I could imagine being was in his strong arms; the same place I’d been used to going all through these years. He has all the qualities of a typical SSA: caring, empathetic, and sensitive. He has always been to me the best husband anyone could wish for. And so, as those first days went by and the reality sank in, my continued response was of craving his presence, his touch. There were feelings of betrayal. It hurt that he had actually thought he could keep his secret from me all my life. I also had strong feelings of wondering who he was. How could he say he loved me when he never had really been attracted to me sexually? It created a honeymoon effect of learning to know this guy who I had lived with for twenty years. It was a rare mix of grief and newness, confusion, and thankfulness. I also had to go back and check my motives for marrying him? Had they been selfish? What had I married him for? Looking back to the pieces that fell into place: On our honeymoon, he did not respond like the books said he would in the area of intimacy. The act of marriage took a lot of patience. Eventually, some weeks later, we figured it out to a point. I enjoyed our honeymoon hugely from the fact that we were together. I remember every time I woke up that first night, I was so, so happy to have him there. But there certainly was an underlying question of what was wrong with him. One night we were sitting on a park bench by the water, and I looked over at the hospital on the other side. I wanted to take him to emergency to find out what was wrong. It happened more than once that I had that urge to just go to emergency. What was wrong? But what an odd problem to present the doctor with. Over time we did work things out. I learned that I could not make any suggestions ahead of time for intimacy. Things had to happen spontaneously, or they didn’t work out. I cried myself to sleep sometimes in confusion when I craved intimacy, and he didn’t seem to need or want it. I felt oversexed sometimes and wondered if I didn’t match the male description of sexual drive better than he did. He told me the marriage books were just too idealistic. There came a day when I wanted to try some sex therapy together. He complied but not long later he positively told me he could not handle it. That seems to be a point we both go back to when we accepted our life as it was and went on. No one ever needs to feel even remotely sorry for me. I have thought many times through the years that I must have the happiest home and the nicest husband there ever could be. And like he told me now; he always made a distinction between sex and love. How true, I always felt loved (aside from some normal human moments I’m sure every marriage faces). He never made me feel I was to blame.

Our story…
So now we travel this strange road together. Actually, it’s not that strange. It’s about an emotional relationship that is current and open. There is still some grief now and then…over what? We don’t exactly know. But one thing is for sure: we’d a lot rather deal with this and have the strong marriage we have, than be of heterosexual orientation with husband and wife estranged emotionally. It really doesn’t matter. The important thing is that we get to those pearly gates where all idiosyncrasies, orientations, hurts, infirmities, misunderstandings, and pain will not exist. And if some couple reads this and something icy grips their hearts as they realize this story is theirs too. Let us tell you this. There is a beautiful way through the pain. Yes, it’s a road less traveled, but God the Father can fill any lack from the past. We would love dearly to meet you, put our arms around you, and invite you join us on this amazing journey to healing and heaven.

• “And I will bring the blind by a way that they knew not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known; I will make darkness light before them, and crooked things straight. These things will I do unto them, and not forsake them” (Isaiah 42:16).

• “And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpillar, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you” (Joel 2:25)

Ground Zero +6

Oh boy! It’s been six months since that fateful day when I first divulged my lifelong secret to another human. Can more feeling, processing, and raw emotion be packed into six months? I certainly can’t imagine it! The lenses with which my wife and I view the world have undergone a complete change and continue to change monthly. We are now people who know and talk about words like Pain, Journeys, Fear, Anger, Healing, Vulnerability, Openness, the list goes on. Of course, we cannot use these words in our everyday speech like someone who loses a loved one, but we use them around certain individuals who know our journey and support us. We’ve gone through grief that is hard to explain. Like any grieving soul, we went through all the firsts. The first social gathering, the first wedding, etc. All these events were hard. Sometimes it’s been she that needs to talk it out while I’d rather put on my shell and protect myself from the pain. Sometime the roles have reversed. We never know when and how it will hit.

You may wonder, “What’s the big deal. Nothing has changed. You’re still loved and accepted by others as always. Why would coming out throw your life for such a spin when you’ve successfully coped with SSA until now?” The reasons are not always clear. I never knew until now that I lived with a very low-grade shame. Replacing this 25-year-old shame/facade with acceptance and vulnerability does not happen instantly and is hard emotional work. Dormant childhood memories and sensitivities have reawakened in my memory. Much processing needs to happen.

But healing is happening. My “wilderness” experiences are becoming fewer and farther between. I am once again comfortable in crowds. Instead of choosing secrecy and suppression, I often have the urge to tell all my friends about me and my journey. I have an almost unsatiable desire for them to know me exactly as I am and still accept and love me. Authenticity is paramount for me. Someday maybe…someday…

But until then, my close circle of people who know me will be my anchor. First and foremost is my wife. A rock, period. Unflinching support. Sometimes we’ve silently pained it out. Unwilling to talk to the other for fear of making the other’s pain greater. But I think we’re slowly learning an important concept: For healing, always choose pain over suppression.

Another great blessing has been the care of my tribe, a group of three random brethren and their wives who share our load. No doubt this has sent them on their own journey has they try to interpret my need for the 3 T’s- Time, Touch, and Talk. They have not always understood me. How could they? But herein lies another truth: To help someone heal, you do not have to understand them; you just must care. They have helped me more than I can describe.

So, was it worth coming out? The answer, despite the preceding paragraphs, is YES! No longer do I have a secret. No longer do I have to wonder about it. I have learned so very much. I’ve learned that it’s always the best to be authentic. I’ve learned that I’m loved so much by the Father God. I realize that He allowed
this in my life. I’ve learned that I have a great gift to give the world, the gift of sensitivity. I wonder how He wants me to use it…

My wife says: “If a husband ever wonders if it is worth opening this secret to his wife, I say absolutely! The underlying, niggling questions of why intimacy is a challenge are no longer there. It helps to reconcile the past and present. The future is hopeful. I don’t cast around in my mind for ideas of what might be wrong. I know now, and the truth is settling. Sometimes even I fear his healing! I married him. I loved him just the way he was. Do I really want him to change? Yes, I do want the hole, the void in his heart filled and then everything else will fall into place.”

The actual tendencies of the letters that define me (SSA) are no longer the real focus. They are only symptoms anyway. Symptoms of a little boy who craves affirmation. I have experienced slight, positive changes in my attractions as I realize that what I’m really craving is love, acceptance, and connection. Where God will take my healing is up to Him. The decision of whether someday I will realize complete healing (in human terms) or if I will live with a thorn in the flesh is not up to me. Apostle Paul had a thorn in his flesh. With the acceptance of it, he was graced with compassion, wisdom, and unflinching courage to touch people’s lives. What a legacy! Perhaps he too had SSA.

The best, most sacred part of marriage is not physical intimacy but emotional connection. Truly, where emotional connection is missing, the marriage is merely coexistence.

Ground Zero +12

A year! A whole year. The sea is so much calmer. The waves no longer crash against my boat in quick succession. I can go for a month at least without the screaming mental anguish over some random negative event or comment. I feel mostly normal. The “lost little boy” feeling is leaving. The emotional trauma of “coming out” is fast becoming a thing of the past. The SSA itself is in God’s hands. I still feel grief over it at times. But the year has taught me many things.

Below is a list of lessons I’ve learned:

• God alone is the source of all healing. I have no idea why he chose to heal me like he has, and he holds the timeline for the healing process.

• Gentle, caring brethren can facilitate God’s healing tremendously. I am thankful for all the people that have cared enough to walk the messy road with my wife and I.

• We are all broken; every single one of us. Some maybe don’t realize to what extent, but nevertheless, we all are.

• God’s healing works faster in us when we become completely vulnerable and surrendered. This means talking…about everything! Talking is a good way of processing things that conflict in your mind.

• Because my brain was so sensitive to rejection, things my tribe and supporters told me would sometimes trigger intense pain. Working through it and sticking by them was the right thing to do even when it seemed they didn’t understand.

• I’m sensitive- and that’s a good thing…mostly. I experience life deeply. I’m often perceptive of how people feel. This has helped me in my work. When life is hard, I also experience that deeply. I need to work through it more slowly than some others would in my situation.

• I thrive on deep emotional connection with people- I like to go deep with people; find out how they are doing and what makes them tick. I like to feel affirmation from them that they appreciate who I am.

I’m no longer the same person that I was before I opened this part of my life. My views have changed in many ways. I walk through the malls when shopping and see people who don’t fit into the normal. Instead of thinking about them as weird, I mentally ask them, “And how are you hurting?”

Below is a list of things that contributed to my healing.

• God- the source of all healing

• My wife- still my biggest fan

• The many incredibly supportive people I’m surrounded by- some of whom know our journey and some who don’t. Never take for granted having numerous authentic people in your life. Build that number up to its highest potential.

• A strong friend with similar challenges- he blazed the trail I’m following.

• Hours of talk therapy- talking about what bothers me and why.

• The book of Psalms- there were weeks when that was the only part of the Bible I read.

• A long list of audio songs about God’s love and healing- I listened to them by the hour.

• A straw bale and a stick to hit it with when my frustration needed a physical outlet.

My wife says… “When we were engaged, I made a rash promise to God, ‘I’ll thank You every day for this special gift You gave me.’ Of course, I haven’t every day, but through the years I’ve thought of that promise many times and it’s been a block behind my wheels.

“Yes, the journey has been painful at times. My husband calls me strong; he calls me brave. I have felt anything but strong and brave. My heart has felt shredded into ribbons some days. I have felt like lying flat on my face on the floor in anguish but let me tell you, the comfort of the Spirit has always been there like
a rock underneath it all.

“Sometimes in the beginning, I would go to church and sit in Sunday school feeling like two people. One whose heart felt ripped and torn on the inside and the other who the ladies just thought was I, same as always. What would they say if they could see the turmoil inside? Which was the real me? This has changed
a lot and I feel a lot more like me going to Sunday school/church services again. “This new knowledge has helped me so much in reconciling the past. Throughout the years and even just prior to his telling me, I’d prayed to God about the physical relationship in our marriage. In awe I look back to his answering that prayer. He cared, and I feel strongly that it was God’s timing. “Why didn’t he tell me sooner?” has only been a fleeting thought when I see how we were led to this point in our marriage. The present is open communication, and the future is hopeful. Our marriage has only been strengthened.

“Another comfort from the Holy Spirit has been a gentle feeling that I am the perfect wife for my husband. If any wife wonders about this, just remember that God gave you this man because he knew you would be the perfect wife for him. The waves of emotion have calmed tremendously. Emotions still hit at strange times, especially when I know he’s going through another “wilderness”. The tears fill my eyes and threaten to spill over at very inconvenient times. I have learned to let the pain wash over me. I don’t push it away.

It’s a bittersweet thing. There were times in the first few weeks I wanted to be fast forwarded to the place where we are now. Now I have fleeting wishes to go back to the beginning. All I was required to do back then was to let the information sink in. Now I need to pull up my socks and go on. Grow up, accept it. Then it was easy and natural to find comfort in every song and Bible verse. Now it’s back to digging more for the treasures.

“I could show you the exact place on the road where I was driving when the turmoil inside me was great. Why him? Why me? Why us? I had not signed up for this emotionally painful journey. And then the Spirit brought back a quote from a wedding sermon I’d heard. “You say you’d die for her, but would you take the garbage out for her?” The Spirit switched the words. “You say you’d die for him; would you accept this part of him?” The storm calmed. Yes, I’d die for him, and, yes, I’d accept this challenge.

“My strong emotional connection with my husband still leaves me with unexplainable longings for his presence. A ten-hour day on the job can leave me aching and anxious for his return.”

So, I don’t know what else to say. I know God loves me. He is like my Dad. I know there is a place for men like me in my church. I care about others going through intense pain. Heaven is a real place that we will go to eventually…

Oh the thought that Jesus loves me, more than I can understand
Fills my heart with calm assurance; I am safe inside His plan.
Oh the thought that Jesus loves me, and he loves what I will be,
Some sweet day when he has finished, his creative work in me,
So I will let it change and heal me, let it ease my troubled mind.
Oh the thought that Jesus loves me, that he loves me for all time.

-Wayne Haun & Lyn Rowell