Almost all the help I’ve gotten in life was because I went after it. Sometimes I’ve felt like the woman who squeezed through the crowd to touch Jesus’ robe, desperate for healing and answers. Sometimes I’ve waited by the bulletin board at church, hoping someone would come show me the way out of my despair.
Recently, I tried to explain it to friends. “All my life,” I said, “I have believed that the key to my mental health and happiness was out there somewhere, if only I could find it.” They nodded knowingly. Huh, I thought, maybe I’m not the only one.
“I’ve always assumed that someone, somewhere had the answers,” I went on, “and someday I would know them, too. I still believe that, but now I know I have to hunt it down myself.”
When I finished, one friend spoke up. “Yep, I’ve always thought that sometime, some person would come along, see me in my struggle, and want to help me,” he said. “I thought they would just guide me along, show me where I needed to change.” He shook his head. “But it’s never happened.”
That realization can feel lonely. Knowing it’s all up to us can bring resentment and a victim mentality. But somehow, knowing that can also set us free.
If nobody is going to rescue me, then I had jolly well better get up, get dressed, and rescue myself. If it’s all up to me, that frees me to ask hard questions, to daringly dig for that key. Whatever my burden—grief, depression, broken relationships—I have the ability to make the first move, to ask for help.
One friend likes to ask advice after church. “Whatever I’ve been struggling with during the week, I just ask the sisters on either side me about it, whoever they are,” she said. “Child training, marriage, health, emotions, whatever. I’ve gotten such guidance over the years.”
Another friend found a recommendation for the book Switch on Your Brain. She bought it, read it, and followed its protocol, tailoring it for her particular struggle. With God’s help, she retrained her brain and found victory in that area. Was it easy? No. Did anyone offer to help? No. But she pushed through the crowd and touched Jesus’ garment.
Ask. If nothing happens, ask again. Be like that persistent widow who troubled Jesus. And of course, Jesus is with you always. Take that first step, and there’ll immediately be two sets of footprints in the sand.
Sometimes, though, just sometimes, some human does come to find you.
I was eighteen, doing closing duties after a day of waiting tables. Our church was holding revival meetings with a visiting minister from Wisconsin, where my family used to live. Since I had decided not to be a Christian, I wasn’t happy when the visiting minister appeared next to the ice cream machine I was cleaning. He had walked several miles into town from where he was staying, garbed in a suit and dress shoes, just to talk to the rebellious girl who listened to exactly zero of his sermons. As I poured tubs of hot water through the machine, not even looking at him, he asked the right questions to pierce my stony heart. For me, that day, someone came to me and held out the key.
Providing that key often means simply being available.
“I just want to be that presence in people’s lives,” a friend explained. “I want to be that auntie who’s there if they ever need me.”
In Zimbabwe, they have a special waiting place for aunties: the Friendship Bench. There is no word for depression in Shona, but Zimbabweans were suffering from kufungisisa, or thinking too much. Doctor Dixon Chibanda conceived a simple project: train local grandmothers in the basics of mental healthcare and place benches in the villages where people could share their pain with them. After finding help on the Friendship Bench, people moved on to support groups, in a program called Holding Hands Together.
I’ve heard of situations where the friends of hurting people band together and walk with them on their journey. People step forward to mentor others. Group chats exist for people suffering from broken marriages, infertility, the loss of a child. Holding Hands Together.
Maybe some of us do need professional help, but maybe we just need an auntie, someone to walk with us for a while.
If those who hurt walk toward the bench, hunting for the key, and if those who are stronger wait on the bench, holding out the key, a lot of healing can take place.
Vila Gingerich
Check out some additions to the website:
A new featured topic on Grief.
We’ve added a new book titled A Complaint Free World under the Emotional Health resources. It’s an excellent read!
Take note that there is another Hope for the Journey Conference coming up. This is what was formerly the Empowered to Connect Conference. You can register for the event through our Events tab. The webinar is available from April 14- June 30. Group pricing is available.
Remember that you can access all the Conference Care newsletters through our website. Just check the menu for the newsletter tab.
Check out the book Sensory Processing 101 by Dayna Abraham. It’s listed in our resources for Teachers, and also under the Developmental Disabilities sections.
Thank you, Vila, for your thoughts!! I love your articles!! Do you have some ideas for OCD…recourses, support groups, etc? We have several children who have it, and I also do..it is quite strong on my mom’s side of the family. Our 16 yr old son is trying to learn how to cope with it….Thank you in advance for your help! Ps..is the seminar mentioned above, something to attend in person?
First of all, thank you for your comment!
The Hope for the Journey Conference is an online event.
I personally do not have expertise in dealing with OCD. However, we do have a team member with a personal interest in OCD, and in the past he has suggested the book Brain Lock by Jeffrey M. Schwartz.
https://tinyurl.com/3u82x9py
For more suggestions, you can find his name and contact information under the “Team” tab, or feel free to email me at gingerichvila@gmail.com
Thank you Vila. I love this. It puts a lump in my throat.
Thank you for your kind words!
So true!
Thanks for taking time to support it!
Gods work here! May God bless you!
And God bless all those who take time to listen to hurting ones. Thank you!
So appreciate this!
Thank you, Denise!
Hi. I think it is ao wonderful what you as the resource team are doing! Maybe sometimes you feel like people don’t appreciate or maybe are even critical. However like all new things, it may just take a little time. I have always had a heart for the hurting and the weak. I’ve been impressed with the thought in the Thes. “Wherefore comfort the feeble minded, support the weak.”
It doesn’t tell us to judge or tell them what they have done wrong. So keep up the good work!
Nancy, those are encouraging words and much appreciated. You’re right: new things take time. Thank you!
I really enjoyed reading this article and what this all talked about….. I’m SO WITH ya….. look out for others, and offer a key….
Thank you! If you’re interested, here’s the article that inspired the post:
https://tinyurl.com/33tmr4na
So much Truth in all of what you are saying.It touches my heart ❤️ Thank you for sharing…
Thank you for the comment and support, Mary!
It’s so easy to get stuck in a victim mentality, but it’s so hard to get out of. I love the ring of truth to the above message. It may take a lot of effort, and every day maintenence, but the truth sets us free. Always has, and always will.
Waneta, thank you for sharing your thoughts. I like this blog post by a team member about teaching our children not to have a victim mentality:
https://tinyurl.com/kb653u83
Thanks, Vila! I really appreciate your thoughts.🙏
Thank you for commenting, Audrey.
I have MS and it is getting harder and harder to function My husband works at a Daycare for minimum wage he works overtime with children who don’t always come from good backgrounds and then he helps me – it is getting too much???
I’m sorry, Flora. That sounds hard.
Do you have family, close friends, or church leaders who know your situation and who could help you decide how much is too much? Often those around us can see more clearly than we can.
One thing to consider is whether all four of your pillars of health are strong. Physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health are all important and intertwined, so if one area is weak, it will affect all of the rest.